LOSING IT

It started out as gas, my stomach started growling and misbehaving. Then the gag reflexes. I started having these inexplicable urges to vomit but it never actually happens, it just starts as a warning. My body started telling me that something was wrong. Then the headaches... Every night I go to bed with a small pain in the back of my head, just above the neck. It is there, pulsing like the heartbeats, another warning...

Lately, I've started bursting into tears for no real reason. Sometimes it's followed by numbness and feeling empty. Sometimes it's anxiety, I start sweating, I have a need to move, walk... I smoke a lot, nib on my cuticles. And then the detachment. Feeling completely unable to feel sorry for the problems of other people. And then it completely overwhelms me. I ruined the lives of some dear people, my father is sick and looks like he's giving up. Today, the whole day, I've been thinking of his funeral, and what happens after that. I thought about what I'm going to wear, say to people who come to pay respect, to my mother and brother, my friends.

Always the duality, extremes. The biggest ideal in life I have is happiness. But I'm miserable. And I can't change that, it's eating up on me. Everything is crumbling down and I can't do anything. I need help desperately, but there is no one who can help me without becoming miserable him or herself. And someone who believes that happiness is the biggest ideal in life can't accept the help if it comes with misery, pain and loss. So I feel caught between the duality that keeps on ripping me in two. I can't exist without love and other people but at the same time I can't be around them because there's nothing I'm good for.

So I spend what I have and slowly become nothing. I have no home, I have nothing to come back to, I feel so alone. But I am hopeful. Everything is going to be okay. Either I pull through and become a stronger, happier, more grateful... or I reduce myself to nothing and it's over. And then it's over.

"We don't own our heavens now, we only own our hell."

The Could, Should and Would Haves

And so I sit in my room, every day, before I go to bed, regardless of who I'm with in it, thinking about what the fuck am I doing with my life. Who am I, anyway? Some people see me as this nice, devoted guy, good friend, an inspiring person, but all I see is a lost cause - a man without knowledge, friends or purpose, a man without a home.

I realized that my connections to people I used to call friends are completely severed. No one has left. Some of them still try to communicate with me but they are not my friends. I have no friends. You don't hurt your friends with your actions, and your friends don't hurt you. Your friends don't bore you or misunderstand what you are trying to say. Your friends don't just erase you from their lives.

And so I vegetate, I moved to my small village, I hardly even leave the house, I am working, looking for another job and studying, also playing games whenever I can catch a breath. I'm getting fat and disgusting and enjoying my solitude. And this cave I live in is no home of mine. A home of mine was evicted a few days ago and with it, a new era has started. An era without a home, an era of rootlessness. How long can I survive this?

Why Am I So Numb

I'm supposed to be having the time of my life right now. I am in a city where I actually feel at home, with people I love, a language I adore and without a care in the world. But since it's all so temporary, I can't stop believing that it's all a castle made of sand. A castle that I don't deserve at all.

I've been ungrateful for so long that I can't really enjoy being happy anymore. I constantly feel like the end is breathing down my neck and every time I stay alone I can't shake the feeling that I'm the only one who's a constant, the only boulder in the desert. There is so much sand around me and all I'm left with is a hope that one day the forces of nature will pressure some of that sand into a bolder so that I wouldn't feel so fucking abandoned and alone.

The choices I'm supposed to make are supposed to be easy and without question, but I can't decide on anything anymore because all I am certain about is that I am in no position to decide on anything because I don't deserve anything that I have. Nothing I have is truly mine.

Posle svega?

Oprosti mi,
ali nakon mesec dana agonije, psihosomatskih tegoba, osećaja bezvrednosti i ultimativne samoće, svih mogućih načina da te pustim i da ne mislim na tebe i truda da te izbacim iz života, da mi uneseš nemir na ovaj način? Nakon što si prošao pored mene kao pored nekog objekta na ulici sa kojim samo ne želiš da se sudariš i što kada sam ti presreo pogled nisi hteo da mi pružiš nšta više od kiselog osmeha?
Tebi je bilo potrebno da te ostavim na miru, sad je to potrebno meni.

Ne mogu...

Zatočeništvo i kompulzivno ponašanje

Poslednjih par nedelja raste mo osećaj zatočeništva u sopstvenom životu. Roditelji i dalje pritiskaju da se nađe novac za račune, Dragana pritiska da se polžu ispiti i da se vrati kući na vreme, a bogami ni moj ego neće da mi se skine s kurca.

U takvim situacijama ja sam navikao da nabacim sebi neku kompulziju i da bivstvovanje učinim podnošljivijim bar dok ne prođe sranje. Ali ova kišna nedelja je jako loša prema meni. Kao i zdravstvene tegobe. Stoga sam zakovan za stan u kome se ne osećam zadovoljno i za samoću koja me pesniči.

Ali biću kul. This too shall pass

U susret 14. februaru

Još jedan 14. februar, još jedan "dan zaljubljenih" i naravno - internet kuka kako je single. Problem većine ljudi je u tome što ne umeju da budu zaljubljeni. Postoji toliko stvari u koje svakodnevno možemo da se zaljubimo, ali smo previše zauzeti strahom i sebičnošću.

Vrlo je verovatno da ukoliko se naučimo istini a preko toga posredno i slobodi, nećemo stići da se osećamo loše od ljubavi koja pulsira na sve strane. Na kraju krajeva, svi smo mi ovde samo da se igramo, a vreme trajanja igre je ograničeno. Budimo srećni što smo uopšte ovde :)

Kada nije dovoljno

Svi smo bili u situaciji da smo želeli nešto izuzetno mnogo, ali nikako nismo mogli to da postignemo. Da li zbog nedostatka talenta, da li zbog nedovoljno volje, da li zbog nekih drugih ograničenja... ali obrazac je uvek isti. Pokušaš a prospeš vodu pred ispit, da spavaš sa knjigom pod jastukom, da napraviš najdetaljniji mogući plan za učenje da pomisliš kako ni menadžeri ne mogu bolje... ali na kraju ne učiš dovoljno i ispit se pada.

Isto je i sa međuljudskim odnosima. Pokušavaš da se ograničavaš, da razumeš drugu stranu, da radiš stvari koje ti ne prijaju, da lažeš sebe, pritom na sve to pokušavaš iz petnih žila da ne nabijaš na nos šta sve radiš da ne bi ispalo da si "velikomučenik" ali ono što treba da se desi jeste da se promeniš. Korenito. To shvatiš kad ti neko kaže "mrzim što si ti - ti!" Tada ti je sve jasno. Svaki pokušaj je uzaludan. Prezren si. Druga strana je razvila alergiju a tebe. I dokle god si ti - ti, ni deus ex machina ne može da popravi stvari.

Onda kad si na izmaku snaga dođeš kući, isplačeš se i kažeš sebi da nema veze. Proći će i ta alergija, nekad. Dotle ćeš strpljivo da čekaš. Sure, teško je i boli, ali nema tu šta da se radi, alergija je ipak alergija. I dok se ne razvije dovoljan broj antitela igraćeš ulogu najbitnije persone non grata u životu datog pojedinca i ponavljati sebi da će da razume jednog dana da ti nisi toliko loš kao što izgledaš. 

Sve što želim da ti kažem, a ne mogu

Judith Butler said “Let's face it. We're undone by each other. And if we're not, we're missing something. If this seems so clearly the case with grief, it is only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. It may be that one wants to, or does, but it may also be that despite one's best efforts, one is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel. And so when we speak about my sexuality or my gender, as we do (and as we must), we mean something complicated by it. Neither of these is precisely a possession, but both are to be understood as modes of being dispossessed, ways of being for another, or, indeed, by virtue of another.”

And yes, you undo me, and I undo you. But those are the traits we can embrace and transcend over. We just need strength to do so. You notice our dedication in the stupid things we do, how we long to be eachother's dog sometimes. And you can't deny it, you wouldn't even dare. It's just how we see things that we do that makes all the difference. A week ago riding around on a trolly waiting for you to finish work would feel humiliating for me, because let's face it, it is an idiotic thing to do from all the rational points of view. But not yesterday. Yesterday I felt warmth when I realized I don't mind spending a few hours doing nothing just to be able to see you and hug you and share my love. But I went home to sleep, because I knew that I wouldn't have time to explain, and I wasn't ready to sit in the room with everyone else who would thik me a fool for doing that and that it's a bad thing for me, for us, to keep extending like that. But honestly, fuck everyone who think I'm a fool. I know that  this is right. I am ready to do things for you no other man would do. And so are you for me. Doesn't that mean anything? And yes, you may say that we don't do it for each other, but ourselves, that is also true, but doesn't answer a question - DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING?

We live in fear, and we exist in fear. You are not just unable but unwilling to accept me for who I am, and so is the other way around. But let's just face our own demons. Admit yourself the traits that annoy me, but might not be so terribly bad. I already don't mind any of your traits that don't hurt you as well as me. For example this silent treatment because of pride is what drives me crazy. Isn't it better when we fight and then make up, instead of boiling on the inside, stearing fear up to a point where you feel hopeless? You are trying to keep your pride, always caring for the pride... WELL FUCK PRIDE, fuck that stupid feeling that keeps you, and everyone else for that matter, from being happy! When did you hear that pride made anyone happy? I didn't. It keeps telling us that we "deserve better" but we don't deserve anything more than we've got. If you thought, really and honestly, that you deserved better, you would have found it. If I needed anyone better than you, I'd find that person. And here is a propositon from the bottom of my heart - if you want better than me, go and find him. And I'll just stop existing in your life for whatever time you may need to do so. And even further if you decide to barry my corpse in your memory.

We both could date other people, fall in love again, but we don't. Cause this is love. But this is other things too. This is fear, this is hurt, this is fucked up because we do it to ourselves, and through that to one another. We find REASONS other than fear (which is the only real reason) to explain why the other one is acting like an asshole, and we manage, cause fear is a master of debates. It wins every single one if we let it. You are governed by fear, fear for yourself, and fear from yourself. There's no room for love and understanding there. I want you to try and hurt me as hard as you can so that you could throw me away from yourself. And yes, you may make me sad, unhappy, disappointed, but I will NEVER leave you, no matter what you do. Is that bad for me? No. How? Because I don't perceive it that way. And perception is everything. I don't mind when you're being an asshole, because you love me. And so whatever you do to hurt me, to hurt yourself, to prove me wrong... that is all fucking bullshit. I don't believe any of that crap, because that's not how I see it. I see those actions as acts of fear, unhappiness, guilt, but not the lack of love. Because you prove me every now and then you love me for real, and that can't be faked.

And yes, you think I got it easy, and you got it hard. Cause "I make friends faster and I fall in love faster". And that is true, undoubtedly. But I am the one with personality traits that are hard to deal with. I am the one who thinks differently from 90% of the world in most cases, the one that never wants to compromise. I need to either be convinced and adopt an opinion, or other way around, but I could never agree to disagree on any important matters i life. But I want to adopt new stuff to stay by your side, I want to change my personality. I just want it to be for the better, and not for worse. I want to change out of love, not fear, I want you to ask me to change out of love, not fear... otherwise, we can never survive each other's undoing. Because I exist in you, and you live in me so much, that the undoing is too strong. We are too connected...

I can't force you to change, nor can you force me... but we could at least give it a try. We've tried so many wrong things, why not try something good for once in a lifetime. Maybe we prove the whole world wrong. What's worse that could happen? We're already at the low point, aren't we?

Prazan papir

Point of no return, the edge, critical point... no matter how you call it, it's always an ominous name. It's that point where the white goes black, where optimism becomes pessimism, where a plus becomes a minus. That is where I am for the passed few years. In this case, it's a point where a boy becomes a man. And the boy is holding on, not able to let go of me, and a man is standing on the other side, frowning at me for hugging the child and can't let go.

That happens every time I look at myself in the mirror. There he is, pure seriousness, looking at me, saying "You're not real, the childhood is gone, let go of him and stop lying to yourself that carelessness can last. You are betraying me, you are betraying yourself, you are a fake. Grow up, god dammit, or you'll become a pile of misery."

And the boy is terrified. He still wants carelessness, he wants fun, he wants joy. And so I look for toys to pacify him, I lie to everyone that I'm okay with growing up, but that boy in my closet is wild and restless... and spoilt. And he's dragging me behind. How can one abandon a child? A child in himself...

Today, the child i weeping and demanding toys, demands to incorporate my body, and I'm just sitting here, talking to myself, without any mask, stripped of identity. The man is standing on the other side of the mirror, still frowning. When will I join him, cross to the other side?

I wish upon duality.