Judith Butler said “Let's face it. We're undone by each other. And if we're not, we're missing something. If this seems so clearly the case with grief, it is only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. It may be that one wants to, or does, but it may also be that despite one's best efforts, one is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel. And so when we speak about my sexuality or my gender, as we do (and as we must), we mean something complicated by it. Neither of these is precisely a possession, but both are to be understood as modes of being dispossessed, ways of being for another, or, indeed, by virtue of another.”
And yes, you undo me, and I undo you. But those are the traits we can embrace and transcend over. We just need strength to do so. You notice our dedication in the stupid things we do, how we long to be eachother's dog sometimes. And you can't deny it, you wouldn't even dare. It's just how we see things that we do that makes all the difference. A week ago riding around on a trolly waiting for you to finish work would feel humiliating for me, because let's face it, it is an idiotic thing to do from all the rational points of view. But not yesterday. Yesterday I felt warmth when I realized I don't mind spending a few hours doing nothing just to be able to see you and hug you and share my love. But I went home to sleep, because I knew that I wouldn't have time to explain, and I wasn't ready to sit in the room with everyone else who would thik me a fool for doing that and that it's a bad thing for me, for us, to keep extending like that. But honestly, fuck everyone who think I'm a fool. I know that this is right. I am ready to do things for you no other man would do. And so are you for me. Doesn't that mean anything? And yes, you may say that we don't do it for each other, but ourselves, that is also true, but doesn't answer a question - DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING?
We live in fear, and we exist in fear. You are not just unable but unwilling to accept me for who I am, and so is the other way around. But let's just face our own demons. Admit yourself the traits that annoy me, but might not be so terribly bad. I already don't mind any of your traits that don't hurt you as well as me. For example this silent treatment because of pride is what drives me crazy. Isn't it better when we fight and then make up, instead of boiling on the inside, stearing fear up to a point where you feel hopeless? You are trying to keep your pride, always caring for the pride... WELL FUCK PRIDE, fuck that stupid feeling that keeps you, and everyone else for that matter, from being happy! When did you hear that pride made anyone happy? I didn't. It keeps telling us that we "deserve better" but we don't deserve anything more than we've got. If you thought, really and honestly, that you deserved better, you would have found it. If I needed anyone better than you, I'd find that person. And here is a propositon from the bottom of my heart - if you want better than me, go and find him. And I'll just stop existing in your life for whatever time you may need to do so. And even further if you decide to barry my corpse in your memory.
We both could date other people, fall in love again, but we don't. Cause this is love. But this is other things too. This is fear, this is hurt, this is fucked up because we do it to ourselves, and through that to one another. We find REASONS other than fear (which is the only real reason) to explain why the other one is acting like an asshole, and we manage, cause fear is a master of debates. It wins every single one if we let it. You are governed by fear, fear for yourself, and fear from yourself. There's no room for love and understanding there. I want you to try and hurt me as hard as you can so that you could throw me away from yourself. And yes, you may make me sad, unhappy, disappointed, but I will NEVER leave you, no matter what you do. Is that bad for me? No. How? Because I don't perceive it that way. And perception is everything. I don't mind when you're being an asshole, because you love me. And so whatever you do to hurt me, to hurt yourself, to prove me wrong... that is all fucking bullshit. I don't believe any of that crap, because that's not how I see it. I see those actions as acts of fear, unhappiness, guilt, but not the lack of love. Because you prove me every now and then you love me for real, and that can't be faked.
And yes, you think I got it easy, and you got it hard. Cause "I make friends faster and I fall in love faster". And that is true, undoubtedly. But I am the one with personality traits that are hard to deal with. I am the one who thinks differently from 90% of the world in most cases, the one that never wants to compromise. I need to either be convinced and adopt an opinion, or other way around, but I could never agree to disagree on any important matters i life. But I want to adopt new stuff to stay by your side, I want to change my personality. I just want it to be for the better, and not for worse. I want to change out of love, not fear, I want you to ask me to change out of love, not fear... otherwise, we can never survive each other's undoing. Because I exist in you, and you live in me so much, that the undoing is too strong. We are too connected...
I can't force you to change, nor can you force me... but we could at least give it a try. We've tried so many wrong things, why not try something good for once in a lifetime. Maybe we prove the whole world wrong. What's worse that could happen? We're already at the low point, aren't we?
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