The Zero Sum Game

After almost 26 years of becoming who I am today, and trying to find my place in the world as it is, I'm feeling defeated. I've made many bad decisions and my lack of better judgement had given me the illusion of hope many times, but what it finally brought to me is a crossroads I am not ready to face.

What am I to do when after all this time I've managed to be absolutely not one step closer to one goal that keeps me going - making this messed up world a better place for myself and those that I find dear to me. But, wait, what does "dear" even mean? Who is this for? What is this for? We deserve exactly what we have in our lives, and from what I can see, as a humanity, we've never deserved annihilation more than on this very day, and every next day, we'll be even more deserving of it. I believe that people cry when others die not because they are sad, but because they are jealous. It breaks us so profoundly that someone is finally out of the game, and doesn't have to put up and survive this fucking hell we live in. Why anyone would be afraid or discomforted by the idea of hell as it was described by many Christians is beyond me. What could possibly be worse than the world we live in? We're ignorant, self-absorbed, nature-destroying, self-pitying abominations, a flaw of nature, a proof that God too can make mistakes.

And what have I done all my life? I have constantly tried to turn my head the other way, believe that we are not like that, that it's the system that we created that hurls us in that direction, that we can still be saved, corrected, happy... And after 26 years of battle and living for this cause, I finally decide I'm done with it. But why can't I stop? Why do I keep on living like this even though every day I have only more proof of the pointlessness of human existence. The answer is simple - There's nothing else I can do. I've built my identity on the values of honour, honesty, deliberate selflessness in spite of selfishness that is inherent to our nature, proactiveness, tolerance, value of life and respect for otherness, and the only way I can stop myself from all of this is to undo 26 years of experience, feelings and thoughts, and that is not possible without shutting down my brain, unplug myself from the world and everything I know and am. Yes, I am talking about suicide. And no, you can stop worrying, I will not kill myself.

Why, you may wonder. I am no better than you are. And if you in all your misery decide to keep on going, why should I take the easy way out? There's still some genuine joy and happiness I feel while I'm alive. Sure, it makes only 5-10% of my experience in the world, but I can't be ungrateful. Love is one of the things that helps me forget about the bad things. After all, I am still human, and that makes me every bit desperate and foolish like the rest of us. I can live with myself, and decide to keep on doing what I'm doing regardless of the fact that it doesn't mean a thing. The only thing that is changed is that I stopped caring. I will help you because I'm bored and because it humours me. I will be your friend because it amuses me and makes me feel appreciated. I will keep on being an activist because there's nothing else I can do in life but I will not let myself be hurt by you. I will not care if you are unhappy, if you are miserable, if you want to kill yourself. I will not care when you die. I will not visit your grave and remember you with warm heart and appreciation. I will be jealous of you, you son of a bitch. You got out of this hell before me. Lucky bastard.

LOSING IT

It started out as gas, my stomach started growling and misbehaving. Then the gag reflexes. I started having these inexplicable urges to vomit but it never actually happens, it just starts as a warning. My body started telling me that something was wrong. Then the headaches... Every night I go to bed with a small pain in the back of my head, just above the neck. It is there, pulsing like the heartbeats, another warning...

Lately, I've started bursting into tears for no real reason. Sometimes it's followed by numbness and feeling empty. Sometimes it's anxiety, I start sweating, I have a need to move, walk... I smoke a lot, nib on my cuticles. And then the detachment. Feeling completely unable to feel sorry for the problems of other people. And then it completely overwhelms me. I ruined the lives of some dear people, my father is sick and looks like he's giving up. Today, the whole day, I've been thinking of his funeral, and what happens after that. I thought about what I'm going to wear, say to people who come to pay respect, to my mother and brother, my friends.

Always the duality, extremes. The biggest ideal in life I have is happiness. But I'm miserable. And I can't change that, it's eating up on me. Everything is crumbling down and I can't do anything. I need help desperately, but there is no one who can help me without becoming miserable him or herself. And someone who believes that happiness is the biggest ideal in life can't accept the help if it comes with misery, pain and loss. So I feel caught between the duality that keeps on ripping me in two. I can't exist without love and other people but at the same time I can't be around them because there's nothing I'm good for.

So I spend what I have and slowly become nothing. I have no home, I have nothing to come back to, I feel so alone. But I am hopeful. Everything is going to be okay. Either I pull through and become a stronger, happier, more grateful... or I reduce myself to nothing and it's over. And then it's over.

"We don't own our heavens now, we only own our hell."

The Could, Should and Would Haves

And so I sit in my room, every day, before I go to bed, regardless of who I'm with in it, thinking about what the fuck am I doing with my life. Who am I, anyway? Some people see me as this nice, devoted guy, good friend, an inspiring person, but all I see is a lost cause - a man without knowledge, friends or purpose, a man without a home.

I realized that my connections to people I used to call friends are completely severed. No one has left. Some of them still try to communicate with me but they are not my friends. I have no friends. You don't hurt your friends with your actions, and your friends don't hurt you. Your friends don't bore you or misunderstand what you are trying to say. Your friends don't just erase you from their lives.

And so I vegetate, I moved to my small village, I hardly even leave the house, I am working, looking for another job and studying, also playing games whenever I can catch a breath. I'm getting fat and disgusting and enjoying my solitude. And this cave I live in is no home of mine. A home of mine was evicted a few days ago and with it, a new era has started. An era without a home, an era of rootlessness. How long can I survive this?

Why Am I So Numb

I'm supposed to be having the time of my life right now. I am in a city where I actually feel at home, with people I love, a language I adore and without a care in the world. But since it's all so temporary, I can't stop believing that it's all a castle made of sand. A castle that I don't deserve at all.

I've been ungrateful for so long that I can't really enjoy being happy anymore. I constantly feel like the end is breathing down my neck and every time I stay alone I can't shake the feeling that I'm the only one who's a constant, the only boulder in the desert. There is so much sand around me and all I'm left with is a hope that one day the forces of nature will pressure some of that sand into a bolder so that I wouldn't feel so fucking abandoned and alone.

The choices I'm supposed to make are supposed to be easy and without question, but I can't decide on anything anymore because all I am certain about is that I am in no position to decide on anything because I don't deserve anything that I have. Nothing I have is truly mine.

Posle svega?

Oprosti mi,
ali nakon mesec dana agonije, psihosomatskih tegoba, osećaja bezvrednosti i ultimativne samoće, svih mogućih načina da te pustim i da ne mislim na tebe i truda da te izbacim iz života, da mi uneseš nemir na ovaj način? Nakon što si prošao pored mene kao pored nekog objekta na ulici sa kojim samo ne želiš da se sudariš i što kada sam ti presreo pogled nisi hteo da mi pružiš nšta više od kiselog osmeha?
Tebi je bilo potrebno da te ostavim na miru, sad je to potrebno meni.

Ne mogu...

Zatočeništvo i kompulzivno ponašanje

Poslednjih par nedelja raste mo osećaj zatočeništva u sopstvenom životu. Roditelji i dalje pritiskaju da se nađe novac za račune, Dragana pritiska da se polžu ispiti i da se vrati kući na vreme, a bogami ni moj ego neće da mi se skine s kurca.

U takvim situacijama ja sam navikao da nabacim sebi neku kompulziju i da bivstvovanje učinim podnošljivijim bar dok ne prođe sranje. Ali ova kišna nedelja je jako loša prema meni. Kao i zdravstvene tegobe. Stoga sam zakovan za stan u kome se ne osećam zadovoljno i za samoću koja me pesniči.

Ali biću kul. This too shall pass

U susret 14. februaru

Još jedan 14. februar, još jedan "dan zaljubljenih" i naravno - internet kuka kako je single. Problem većine ljudi je u tome što ne umeju da budu zaljubljeni. Postoji toliko stvari u koje svakodnevno možemo da se zaljubimo, ali smo previše zauzeti strahom i sebičnošću.

Vrlo je verovatno da ukoliko se naučimo istini a preko toga posredno i slobodi, nećemo stići da se osećamo loše od ljubavi koja pulsira na sve strane. Na kraju krajeva, svi smo mi ovde samo da se igramo, a vreme trajanja igre je ograničeno. Budimo srećni što smo uopšte ovde :)