Prazan papir

Point of no return, the edge, critical point... no matter how you call it, it's always an ominous name. It's that point where the white goes black, where optimism becomes pessimism, where a plus becomes a minus. That is where I am for the passed few years. In this case, it's a point where a boy becomes a man. And the boy is holding on, not able to let go of me, and a man is standing on the other side, frowning at me for hugging the child and can't let go.

That happens every time I look at myself in the mirror. There he is, pure seriousness, looking at me, saying "You're not real, the childhood is gone, let go of him and stop lying to yourself that carelessness can last. You are betraying me, you are betraying yourself, you are a fake. Grow up, god dammit, or you'll become a pile of misery."

And the boy is terrified. He still wants carelessness, he wants fun, he wants joy. And so I look for toys to pacify him, I lie to everyone that I'm okay with growing up, but that boy in my closet is wild and restless... and spoilt. And he's dragging me behind. How can one abandon a child? A child in himself...

Today, the child i weeping and demanding toys, demands to incorporate my body, and I'm just sitting here, talking to myself, without any mask, stripped of identity. The man is standing on the other side of the mirror, still frowning. When will I join him, cross to the other side?

I wish upon duality.