It started out as gas, my stomach started growling and misbehaving. Then the gag reflexes. I started having these inexplicable urges to vomit but it never actually happens, it just starts as a warning. My body started telling me that something was wrong. Then the headaches... Every night I go to bed with a small pain in the back of my head, just above the neck. It is there, pulsing like the heartbeats, another warning...
Lately, I've started bursting into tears for no real reason. Sometimes it's followed by numbness and feeling empty. Sometimes it's anxiety, I start sweating, I have a need to move, walk... I smoke a lot, nib on my cuticles. And then the detachment. Feeling completely unable to feel sorry for the problems of other people. And then it completely overwhelms me. I ruined the lives of some dear people, my father is sick and looks like he's giving up. Today, the whole day, I've been thinking of his funeral, and what happens after that. I thought about what I'm going to wear, say to people who come to pay respect, to my mother and brother, my friends.
Always the duality, extremes. The biggest ideal in life I have is happiness. But I'm miserable. And I can't change that, it's eating up on me. Everything is crumbling down and I can't do anything. I need help desperately, but there is no one who can help me without becoming miserable him or herself. And someone who believes that happiness is the biggest ideal in life can't accept the help if it comes with misery, pain and loss. So I feel caught between the duality that keeps on ripping me in two. I can't exist without love and other people but at the same time I can't be around them because there's nothing I'm good for.
So I spend what I have and slowly become nothing. I have no home, I have nothing to come back to, I feel so alone. But I am hopeful. Everything is going to be okay. Either I pull through and become a stronger, happier, more grateful... or I reduce myself to nothing and it's over. And then it's over.
"We don't own our heavens now, we only own our hell."
